So I read a script this week and thought to myself…I can do that. Will be sharing some of the short stories that I get inspired to write here.
Wish me luck!
ohh don’t forget to live. That’s the whole point of being here
of feminism
If you would have asked me a year ago if I was a feminist I would have probable said NO. It hadn’t crossed my mind what I believe in and feel very passionate about is actually a thing. If felt great knowing I wasn’t the only one fighting this in my own small world.
I really wasn’t planning to write about this. But I cant just keep quiet. We have seen women being stripped naked because of the clothes they are wearing. It honestly doesn’t make the situation better. If she was so badly dressed and it really bothered you why not cover her up? This is a violent act and it’s so offensive I haven’t brought myself to watching the videos. I am afraid I might weep or just raise my blood pressure.
I am a feminist. My boyfriend is worried he might see me on the news protesting something but I know he only worries for my safety. I grew up with two brothers. Life for me as a kid wasn’t defined as “girl and boy do different things”. That only started as I grew closer to that age where boobs start to pop out. I wasn’t for it….the change in behavior. I wanted to do the same things by brother would. I had the capacity to anyway. climb trees, race, get dirty…but it wasn’t what girls did.
I picked a career that excited me. A career where 80% or more of my colleagues have been men. I love technology. And I have had to fight to be looked at as a colleague and not a woman. Now we fight over discrimination and violence. When did this get to violence? Sometimes I wish men would be women for a day. See how we are teased, looked at like objects, how most of us were sexually abused growing up, sexually harassed at work….just because we are women.
I want a world where we do not discriminate. Everyone should be given an equal opportunity. Men are great cooks, women are great leaders…either one can do another. It starts with us. I cannot wait to be a mother and teach my children what I only learnt the hard way.
Let us protect our women, stop violence against women.
Why African ‘traditionalists’ should be the loudest supporters of feminism (including #mydressmychoice)
I don’t know how else I would have said this.
If you listen to discussions in the public space for and against all the the poor women who have been stripped, humiliated and molested in Kenya’s public spaces, you will see a strong and predictable thread that blames ‘modernization’ for society’s ills. This basically means that tv and media have transformed our women from the submissive angels they were into scantily dressed part-time prostitutes who’s sole mission in life is to confuse men by tapping into their wild and untamed sexual desires. These women are asking for it, and the problem is modernization.
Except it is not.
When we talk about traditional African values, we fall into this little happy place where we can fantasize about what it meant to be African. For the loudest and most ignorant, it simply means a society where women were passive, subjugated and at the mercy of their men. It was a world where…
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of our man made differences
Most of us are born into religion not by choice, by what our parents practice. Very few of us ever consider anything else…its always painted like the worst thing ever. So we never bother to understand, we stand at our corners quiet with our one sided pool of information.
I met some friends over 3 years ago who I got to watch for basically one year. They have this way they live. They greet each other with kind words in the morning, have lunch together and even live together. They are a bit inseparable. I was a bit envious and I questioned what was this thing that made them so close. My friends are from India. Before, I would have been scared being anywhere near a shrine, but after meeting them, it didn’t scare me as much. I asked questions, what their holidays meant, why some were vegetarians…and even got into the habit of using words like namaste and bhai. My Indian friends taught me not to judge too quickly. They were kind to me and even kinder to each other. I was left questioning a lot of the information I previously had.And I understand now, holiness is in right action.
I fail to understand the kind of cruelty that comes with religious discrimination. Why killing is justified. Why one does not have a choice to chose their religion. Why death can be the solution for that change. Why women are treated like possessions, mutilated, not allowed to speak for themselves, even denied basic education. It beats the point if it is all for religion. I wish there was only one, maybe the millions of people who have lost their lives over it may still be with us.
We went wrong somewhere. Separating by skin color, by race, by religion. We went wrong and it might destroy us.
To simmer on:
I loved watching Kingdom of Heaven and this I had to rewind:
I love this quote the Gmoney says in the morning.
“I love you my brother whoever you are whether you worship in your church, kneel in your temple, or pray in your mosque.You and I are all children of one faith, for the diverse paths of religion are fingers of the loving hand of one Supreme Being, a hand extended to all, offering completeness of spirit to all, eager to receive all.” Kahlil Gibran
Feelings Aren’t Facts by Robert Belland
I have to share this blog because it has spoken volumes to me. I hate how our emotions drive us to making rush decisions. How they make us sulk and cry even though the reality isnt as grave.
I hope this will make sense to someone else like it did to me.
On 11.30.12, In How To Get The Girl, by Robert Belland
In a world that celebrates the hyperbole expression of emotions perhaps it’s time to take a step back and realize that sometimes our feelings don’t matter.
YOUR FEELINGS DON’T MATTER
Listen, I’m just a guy.
I was born with testosterone, a propensity for growing hair on my back, and a lack of vocabulary to explain my feelings.
And what I can’t explain I don’t discuss.
And yet I DO have feelings (despite what my ex-wife believes) but I have neither the training nor the skills to explain those feelings.
And perhaps, because of my lack of emotional expression, I’ve learned to mistrust what my feelings sometimes tell me. My emotional decision-making has pushed away some great women and I’ve seen plenty of needy gals chasing douchie guys.
So with that I say this: don’t trust your feelings.
Go ahead and ask your “feelings” for dating advice, I dare you.
“I’ve been best friends with this girl for years but she just doesn’t seem to get the hint that I’m really into her. Hanging out all the time is just killing me! Maybe I should just spill my guts and tell her how I REALLY feel about her…”
WRONG.
“My first few dates with this guy have gone so great! I just wish he would open up more and talk about his feelings… that way I could relax and not feel so tense and nervous… maybe I should ask him where he sees this relationship going?”
WRONG.
Guys: attraction is about feelings, not logic. Tension is a feeling… you know that feeling you have when you don’t know if she likes you? Don’t try to rid yourself of that tension by TALKING it out with her. Instead USE that tension to build her attraction… by teasing her, flirting, being playful and having FUN! The mistake too many guys make is that they try to escape this feeling, this tension, and in doing so they ruin any feelings she might be developing.
Girls: you can’t fix your new boyfriend by forcing him to talk about his feelings. That TENSION you feel, that not knowing, that’s a GOOD thing! Instead appreciate that if he’s WITH you it’s because he WANTS to be with you. Enjoy him, and show him how to enjoy his time with you. You can take more time to get “logical” and “talky” once your relationship has blossomed and developed, but wait… don’t trust the feeling you have to spill your guts.
FEELINGS ARE BIO “LOGICAL”
Let’s get nerdy for a moment.
It seems that our human brain has developed into three areas: our reptilian brain, our limbic/mammalian brain, and our neocortex.
The oldest part our brain is the stump in the back that folds out from our spines into our skulls and it controls our vital functions like heart rate, breathing, balance, etc. We might call this our LIZARD BRAIN because it’s compulsive and see’s the world in black and white – life or death – flight or fight.
Then, over time, we evolved our LIMBIC SYSTEM which grew over top of our lizard brain. This mammalian brain is judgmental, hormonal and emotional which includes the amygdala, hippocampus and the hypothalamus.
On top of all of that our brains blossomed into two large hemispheres that give us language, abstract thought, imagination and consciousness. This is our neocortex and it’s able to learn and think. It’s flexible and helps give us identities and beliefs and culture.
Trine Brain Theory: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triune_brain
Three brains forced into once skull, all sharing one body and it’s functions.
Here’s the conflict – just because we’re aware and logical (neocortex) doesn’t mean our emotions are too (reptilian and mammalian brain.)
Our logical brain might think “I called that girl last night and she didn’t answer, I guess she was busy” but our limbic system might decide to panic, causing us to worry and fret.
Our ancient brain wants us to make babies and avoid rejection even if our logical brain knows better.
Basically how we FEEL doesn’t always agree with what we THINK.
It’s not logical how the male responds instantly to certain imagery – it’s biological.
Here’s an interesting article on the biology of emotions.
Egyptian physicians believed the heart was the site of consciousness. They had no concept that the brain was associated with feeling, thinking or other functions. For them, brains were for eating. It wasnt until the Greco-Roman period that the notion of the brains connection with thought and feeling was introduced, but even then, the idea that the heart was the seat of passionate emotions persisted.
~Jack Thompson, Ph.D., professor in the department of psychology and psychobiology at Centre College, Danville, Ky., and author ofPsychobiology of Emotions
EMOTIONS DON’T CARE ABOUT LOGIC
Growing up comes from dealing with these types of inner conflicts: feeling one way and thinking something completely opposite and yet making decisions within this conflict.
Being mature and strong requires you to accept that this type of inner conflict is “okay.” It happens and it’s fine.
Nature wants us to fight and love and make babies, but our current social structure no longer requires these panicked emotional responses with every social encounter.
We logically understand that we won’t be killed if a woman rejects us, but our limbic system doesn’t seem to realize that yet. Instead the average guy becomes filled with fear and tension and panic… perhaps something most women don’t really appreciate.
Our dating confidence and success comes from handling our inner battles – fear and panic vs logic and rational thought.
It’s easy for me to say “ignore your feelings” and yet they blur our vision and clamp our mouths shut. And hopefully you can become aware of the inner tricks being played out by your nervous system – your feelings can’t be trusted.
BELIEFS BUILT ON LIES
Unfortunately even logic can seem to fail us sometimes.
Most often how we FEEL confuses how we THINK and because of our feelings we make terrible assumptions and great leaps in logic.
How often have you assumed the worst about someone when you were really upset?
Or made terrible dating decisions because you felt overwhelmed with insecurities or nervousness?
What are the most common mistakes we make?
We make assumptions and we take things personally.
When we make assumptions we skip logic for the emotional pay off, like feelings of righteousness or indignation while “taking things personally” is exactly the same.
If someone dumps you do you keep perspective? Do you realize that they have their own needs and desires and that they have every right to find someone they prefer to connect with?
Or do you take the emotional road of self-pity, self-blame, and depression?
Do you realize that it’s okay to feel crappy and disappointed without it MEANING something?
It’s okay to feel like crap when someone breaks up with you. It’s NOT okay to then believe the world is ending, that you’re a fat pig nobody will ever love, and that the opposite sex is to blame for all the horrors of the world.
Here’s the lie: feeling like crap doesn’t mean you ARE crap.
Your feelings will lie to you.
The key is to accept feeling crappy without giving it deeper meaning. The key is to accept your feelings so that they can run their course.
Think of your emotions like the weather. It just happens and that’s life. There’s not always some deeper reason for it and it’s futile to try to fight it.
And when it comes to dating sometimes other people need different things than we do, that’s just how it is.
IT TAKES GUTS
Don’t get me wrong… our guts have wisdom.
If logic comes from the head, and feelings come from the heart then they meet in the middle in our guts.
It’s the combination of our heads and our hearts that creates inner wisdom. The more mature you are the more you rely upon your head AND your heart.
But why is it so easy to ignore our heads when our feelings tell us something different?
I think it’s because we’re trapped in bodies of flesh and blood. Our old lizard and mammalian brain reacts to the world far faster than our new logical brain.
Our emotions win the race because our unconscious brain is doing things before our conscious brain is even aware of it. Our emotions wrap us in a cozy blanket of oxytocin and adrenalin (oxytocin is a powerful hormone that acts as a neurotransmitter in the brain that plays a huge role in pair bonding, dating, parenting, etc.)
The lesson here is to have the strength to wait out the highs and lows of emotional upset before making decisions.
COMMON EXAMPLES
Drinking and driving. When you’re drunk you can’t rely upon logical decisions because your logical brain is battling other issues (like walking and talking and seeing).
Dieting. If I chose to eat based on how I FEEL I’d never escape the wall of pizzas and ice-cream containers I’d be drowning in. Instead I have to ignore how I feel and take the powerful choice to eat what I KNOW is good for me.
Dating. What do you do when you’ve already sent them three text messages and they haven’t replied to any of them? You might feel that a cute and funny follow-up text message might smooth over those last three creepy messages, but you’d be wrong.
Stalking. Should you spend a few more hours clicking through your ex’s facebook friends list hoping to find more photos that prove they were cheating on you? Or should you be in that hot yoga class sweating off that stress while your superior poses attracts forth ten new dating opportunities? Only your guts know for sure…
He hasn’t called in a few hours? Ignore your feelings and don’t call him.
She seems to be leaning away? Ignore your feelings and lean away too.
He keeps flirting and you don’t know if he likes you? Ignore your feelings, he does.
She smiled at you from across the room? Ignore your feelings and go say “hi.”
HAVE SOME PERSPECTIVE
What’s the cost of ignoring logic for an emotional rush?
Well, the more you ignore her signs of disinterest the more humiliating it becomes. By chasing her you keep digging yourself into an emotional hole that destroys your self-respect and confidence.
Or perhaps you stay with that guy because your heart whispers, “it’s way too painful to tell mom that he’s been cheating on me, and besides he’s really sorry now… plus if I forgive him he’s going to finally see how amazing I am as a girlfriend and we’ll live together in total love and respect forever!”
Have you ever looked back after a hard rejection and realized that you were ignoring all the red flags because you were blinded by your emotions?
Nearly 100 percent of us will never win the lottery. And chasing someone who’s not into us is EXACTLY like playing the lottery except the cost of playing leaves us lonely, self absorbed, immature, and addicted to the emotional highs and lows.
When in doubt ignore your feelings.
S.M.A.R.T. Steps
Try these steps when you’re in a tough spot and you need to make a good romantic decision:
(S)top and relax
You shouldn’t drive when you’re drunk and you shouldn’t make decisions when you’re high on emotions. So take a breath and relax. Put all thinking on the back burner until you’ve escaped any emotional highs or lows.
(M)e first
Give yourself permission to make decisions that are beneficial for YOU. It’s easy to martyr yourself in order to do what’s best for someone else you love… instead realize that you can’t help others effectively unless you’ve empowered yourself to be healthy and safe.
So make sure you’re the first priority on your decision list.
(A)sk someone smarter than you
This is why having an older wiser mentor is so great in romantic decision making – because they have the perspective you might not have. When someone else has no emotional ties to your decision-making they can help give you the best non-emotionally based advice.
(R)eview all options
It’s easy to think about the options that are most exhilarating (like calling that girl again, or texting that guy one more time) but let’s not forget ALL of the available options. When you take the time to review all the options it helps you to remember those boring options (like NOT calling that girl one more time, and NOT texting that guy a million more times.)
There really are GOOD options that seem boring but which bring about the BEST outcomes.
(T)ake Responsibility
It’s okay to make bad decisions, if you’re willing to learn from them. The worst thing you can do is blame someone or something else for your choices.
Take responsibility for your actions because that’s how you learn, grow and mature. When you blame others you’re only hurting yourself.
Here are my final thoughts: your feelings don’t have to dictate your choices and your good choices will always improve how we feel!
~ Robby
Happy Thursday
DON’T STAY TOO LONG by Tyler Perry
DON’T STAY TOO LONG
I haven’t written in a while so this is a little long, but it’s so worth your time to read.
I was in Wyoming recently and I was taking in the beauty of the place. I mean, I love it. As I was looking up at the mountains I saw an eagle flying above me. I had to stop and take in its majestic beauty. I had never seen a real life eagle. All I had heard about an eagle was in church when the pastor said that the eagle pushes its young out of the nest to teach it to fly. It really did move me watching this bird that had no doubt been pushed out of the nest and had learned to do what I was watching it do.
I got back to the cabin that evening and I started doing some research on eagles. I was so excited to read the story of how it learned to fly. Well, to my surprise, eagles pushing their young out of the nest is a myth. I was shocked. I know that I heard a preacher say that in church… now I ain’t gonna say that that pastor lied but I will say he didn’t do the research… LOL. So I did it on my own. I did find some interesting facts that got me thinking about life… mine and yours. It’s funny how God can speak through everything. Here’s what I found.
Eagles build the biggest nest of all birds. It’s huge, comfortable and deep. One of the most interesting things that I found was the way that the eagle gets its young chicks to fly out of the nest. For many weeks it brings food to the nest. The little eagles have no worries, they have all they need to survive. But when the adult eagle deems that it’s time for the young eagles to fly, things get uncomfortable.
Now the young eagle doesn’t know that it’s time to fly, but the wisdom and the bird’s eye view of the mother knows that it’s time for the chicks to leave the nest. So you know what she does? She doesn’t bring food to the babies anymore, and this is what I found fascinating. Many times she will fly around the nest with the food in her beak so that the young eagles will be tempted or so hungry that they are forced to fly out of the nest and take it out of her beak. Stay with me I’m going somewhere here.
As I thought about this, I thought about my life and how many times I was in a very comfortable space. I had all I needed. There was no need for me to go any further because I was comortable. I wanted to stay there forever. You have to be careful when you get comfortable and stay too long. It’s easy to stop dreaming when your belly is full. You won’t feel the need to fly at all.
The truth is, as long as I was there in that really comfortable space, I wasn’t fulfilling my own destiny or my purpose. I wasn’t flying, I was content. Remember this, your greatest prayers are not usually answered in comfort. Think about it. I can really get deep into this with stories from my past but you’re probably tired of reading already… LOL… so I’ll try and wrap it up.
It took an uncomfortable situation or being hungry to make me get out and fly. Many times in life things are going well, but then everything that was so great changes and we wonder why. We wonder what happened. We are caught off guard. I am of the opinion that in those times God, who knows when it’s time for us to leave the nest, is allowing it to become uncomfortable so that we can move on to our next mission in life. Our next hope, our next dream, our next level.
After not realizing this for many years and resisting changes and going through hell, I’m glad to say that I have become so sensitive to when it’s time to move that I will move without having to have the turmoil. I’m telling you I was so stubborn that the house had to burn down for me to move. Now I know better. I’m aware of when it starts to happen, like things happen that don’t make any sense. People you have been friends with or in business with or otherwise for years just seem to go crazy and you don’t know why. What I’ve learned in those moments is that it is a time to fly. Business changes, jobs go away, friends break your heart, marriages end, relationships end, and most times all these things are signs that it’s time to take flight to your next level.
Nobody likes change, I get it, but don’t be angry or bitter when things change. Don’t be mad with people, especially when you know you did right by them and you did all you could do for the friendship or relationship. I’m sorry to tell you this my friend, but this moment was not about them it was all about you. I’m telling you if God has allowed you to become so uncomfortable in your situation, whatever it is, then its time for you to move! Don’t be afraid, just fly!
Last thing and then I’m done . there is one part of the eagle story that I haven’t told you yet, and this is my favorite part. If those baby eagles get out of the nest and they are trying to fly and it’s not going well, then that same mother bird that provided for them while they were in the nest, that same eagle will fly under the baby eagle to keep it from falling, to keep it on course, and give it a sense of security. God’s got you, don’t be afraid! He won’t let you fall!
Now here’s the question: what situation in your life has become so uncomfortable that you feel like you’re being starved for what you need? Maybe its God’s way of telling you it’s time to fly! It’s time to fly for your own dreams and your own hopes and goals. Fly for true love and real hope. This is your moment to fly, in 2014. Make this the year that you leave the nest without fear.
of 2013
Cant believe this year is almost over. What a year. This has been a year where my heart has been tested, when my dad fell sick and all walls came crumbling down. Yet my family was pulled out of that storm with no scars. Our maker loves us…we’re sure of that.
This has been the year where I have learnt so much on life issues. Learning to say no and yes. Learning to be honest even when it hurts. Learning to reach the skies past the doubts in others eyes. There was a time I used to think nothing could stop me. I need to get to that strong place again.
One thing am sure of, everything will be alright in the end.
Happy holidays and remember to spend this time with those close to heart.
Truly, Jem.
of awakening
In church a few years ago, the pastor preached about losing people. He asked us to note down a bunch of friends, and to check that list a few years down the line. This was a sermon about destructive lifestyles..what he didn’t mention is that the list still goes down as some people you consider friends stop being so.
I see growing up like a process of awakening. I must have been really “heavy” in my early 20s. Carrying all that weight of pretence, insecurity, loneliness, fake friends, bad relationships, fear of missing out….Eventually with time, you shed it off. If you accept to grow up. If you start to let your past lessons build you into this strong person. Your painful past kinda becomes your armor. There is something amazing about discovering and learning yourself. Nobody can make you feel different about you when you are OK with you. And that confidence, that drive to be something great, comes with “weight loss.” You start to be more honest about your feelings, knowing you risk people walking out the door. You start to tame your anger, knowing your limits. You apologise more and start to see things in other people’s eyes. You learn. And in the process become amazingly attractive. You know what you want in life, no apologies. You don’t wait by the phone for the cute guy you met to call, you have a life and things to do. And when he calls you wait for the excitement of a new relationship to fade off, you know the real stuff happens after that. You realise the person you want to be and the people you want surrounding you, helping you be that person. You finally have the courage to tell your boss what you want. You start to plan checking off some of the things on your bucket list and the “weight” sheds off like free flowing water.
Friendships end/die for different reasons. And sometimes its just a time thing. You no longer want the same things. Which is fine. Sometimes we just get tired of pretending and smiling. I remember once feeling like screaming! I was smiling and laughing yet in my head WTF had a permanent residence. I was a fake. I couldn’t pull it off all my life. And sometimes friendships don’t die, but we go different ways. We are no longer bound by a crowd but we are strong individually. Pursuing different things. And its OK. Later we meet and chat about our experiences, say our goodbyes and move on only to meet years later.
Am I the strongest I have ever been?
Yes.
Does it get better?
I believe so. I am lighter, running faster and with a strong support system .
Weighed yourself recently?
of Honesty
I’ve been thinking about the concept of honesty for a while now. As kids, we are completely honest with our feelings. Be it fear, anxiety or hunger…you will always know with a child. As we grow we learn to pretend, to keep quiet, to nod when disagreeing, we welcome fear into our minds and hearts. And we stop being honest. And somehow this way of living goes too far…from lying to others to lying to ourselves.
We’ve all done it. Ran or lied while avoiding to hurt someone’s feelings. Avoiding to speak the truth which will surely initiate an awkward conversation. So when do we start lying to ourselves? Why are you in that relationship that you don’t even want to be in? Why are you smiling at him and crying yourself to sleep? Why be in a relationships that drown you? We allow it, yet deep down, we are unhappy. Ask yourself, are you being completely honest with yourself before making a step in a certain direction. Before committing to something or someone. Is this really what you want or are you afraid of loneliness? Are you afraid of rejection? Are you afraid that he/she will eventually see your insecurities? Are you afraid of being seen…deep down as you are. What is that demon that’s holding you back from opening up to yourself? What are you so afraid of?
Human beings are the worst and best at pretending. That ‘safe place ‘ will only lasts as long. The made-up-happy you will eventually have to deal with the real you. Then the “changes” start to appear and you start to hear how people claim others changed. How they were nicer before they got married. …enough about that.
Let your feelings and emotions help you. There is a reason why you feel that way.Embrace that fear and go right through it. Embrace that teenage feeling of a quick crush. Embrace wanting something and fight for it even if nobody gets you. Whichever the case, you won’t learn from someone else’s experience. Open yourself up to yourself. Dig deep down to your insecurities, your fears. Fight them and understand them. Then you will be stronger than before. If you’re not honest to yourself, how can you expect to be with others? Accept yourself first…There is something amazing about knowing yourself inside out. What you want, how you want it, how you deal with situations, when you’re wrong, when you’re right….when you’re honest with yourself.
Truly, Jem.
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