of our man made differences

Most of us are born into religion not by choice, by what our parents practice. Very few of us ever consider anything else…its always painted like the worst thing ever. So we never bother to understand, we stand at our corners quiet with our one sided pool of information.

I met some friends over 3 years ago who I got to watch for basically one year. They have this way they live. They greet each other with kind words in the morning, have lunch together and even live together. They are a bit inseparable. I was a bit envious and I questioned what was this thing that made them so close. My friends are from India. Before, I would have been scared being anywhere near a shrine, but after meeting them, it didn’t scare me as much. I asked questions, what their holidays meant, why some were vegetarians…and even got into the habit of using words like namaste and bhai. My Indian friends taught me not to judge too quickly. They were kind to me and even kinder to each other. I was left questioning a lot of the information I previously had.And I understand now, holiness is in right action.

I fail to understand the kind of cruelty that comes with religious discrimination. Why killing is justified. Why one does not have a choice to chose their religion. Why death can be the solution for that change. Why women are treated like possessions, mutilated, not allowed to speak for themselves, even denied basic education. It beats the point if it is all for religion. I wish there was only one, maybe the millions of people who have lost their lives over it may still be with us.

We went wrong somewhere. Separating by skin color, by race, by religion. We went wrong and it might destroy us.

To simmer on:

I loved watching Kingdom of Heaven and this I had to rewind:

I love this quote the Gmoney says in the morning.

“I love you my brother whoever you are whether you worship in your church, kneel in your temple, or pray in your mosque.You and I are all children of one faith, for the diverse paths of religion are fingers of the loving hand of one Supreme Being, a hand extended to all, offering completeness of spirit to all, eager to receive all.” Kahlil Gibran

Feelings Aren’t Facts by Robert Belland

I have to share this blog because it has spoken volumes to me. I hate how our emotions drive us to making rush decisions. How they make us sulk and cry even though the reality isnt as grave.

I hope this will make sense to someone else like it did to me.

 

Feelings Aren’t Facts

On 11.30.12, In How To Get The Girl, by Robert Belland

In a world that celebrates the hyperbole expression of emotions perhaps it’s time to take a step back and realize that sometimes our feelings don’t matter.

 

YOUR FEELINGS DON’T MATTER

Listen, I’m just a guy.

I was born with testosterone, a propensity for growing hair on my back, and a lack of vocabulary to explain my feelings.

And what I can’t explain I don’t discuss.

And yet I DO have feelings (despite what my ex-wife believes) but I have neither the training nor the skills to explain those feelings.

And perhaps, because of my lack of emotional expression, I’ve learned to mistrust what my feelings sometimes tell me. My emotional decision-making has pushed away some great women and I’ve seen plenty of needy gals chasing douchie guys.

So with that I say this: don’t trust your feelings.

Go ahead and ask your “feelings” for dating advice, I dare you.

“I’ve been best friends with this girl for years but she just doesn’t seem to get the hint that I’m really into her. Hanging out all the time is just killing me! Maybe I should just spill my guts and tell her how I REALLY feel about her…”

WRONG.

“My first few dates with this guy have gone so great! I just wish he would open up more and talk about his feelings… that way I could relax and not feel so tense and nervous… maybe I should ask him where he sees this relationship going?”

WRONG.

Guys: attraction is about feelings, not logic. Tension is a feeling… you know that feeling you have when you don’t know if she likes you? Don’t try to rid yourself of that tension by TALKING it out with her. Instead USE that tension to build her attraction… by teasing her, flirting, being playful and having FUN! The mistake too many guys make is that they try to escape this feeling, this tension, and in doing so they ruin any feelings she might be developing.

Girls: you can’t fix your new boyfriend by forcing him to talk about his feelings. That TENSION you feel, that not knowing, that’s a GOOD thing! Instead appreciate that if he’s WITH you it’s because he WANTS to be with you. Enjoy him, and show him how to enjoy his time with you. You can take more time to get “logical” and “talky” once your relationship has blossomed and developed, but wait… don’t trust the feeling you have to spill your guts.

FEELINGS ARE BIO “LOGICAL”

Let’s get nerdy for a moment.

It seems that our human brain has developed into three areas: our reptilian brain, our limbic/mammalian brain, and our neocortex.

The oldest part our brain is the stump in the back that folds out from our spines into our skulls and it controls our vital functions like heart rate, breathing, balance, etc. We might call this our LIZARD BRAIN because it’s compulsive and see’s the world in black and white – life or death – flight or fight.

Then, over time, we evolved our LIMBIC SYSTEM which grew over top of our lizard brain. This mammalian brain is judgmental, hormonal and emotional which includes the amygdala, hippocampus and the hypothalamus.

On top of all of that our brains blossomed into two large hemispheres that give us language, abstract thought, imagination and consciousness. This is our neocortex and it’s able to learn and think. It’s flexible and helps give us identities and beliefs and culture.

Trine Brain Theory: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triune_brain

Three brains forced into once skull, all sharing one body and it’s functions.

Here’s the conflict – just because we’re aware and logical (neocortex) doesn’t mean our emotions are too (reptilian and mammalian brain.)

Our logical brain might think “I called that girl last night and she didn’t answer, I guess she was busy” but our limbic system might decide to panic, causing us to worry and fret.

Our ancient brain wants us to make babies and avoid rejection even if our logical brain knows better.

Basically how we FEEL doesn’t always agree with what we THINK.

It’s not logical how the male responds instantly to certain imagery – it’s biological.

 

Here’s an interesting article on the biology of emotions.

Egyptian physicians believed the heart was the site of consciousness. They had no concept that the brain was associated with feeling, thinking or other functions. For them, brains were for eating. It wasnt until the Greco-Roman period that the notion of the brains connection with thought and feeling was introduced, but even then, the idea that the heart was the seat of passionate emotions persisted.

~Jack Thompson, Ph.D., professor in the department of psychology and psychobiology at Centre College, Danville, Ky., and author ofPsychobiology of Emotions

EMOTIONS DON’T CARE ABOUT LOGIC

Growing up comes from dealing with these types of inner conflicts: feeling one way and thinking something completely opposite and yet making decisions within this conflict.

Being mature and strong requires you to accept that this type of inner conflict is “okay.” It happens and it’s fine.

Nature wants us to fight and love and make babies, but our current social structure no longer requires these panicked emotional responses with every social encounter.

We logically understand that we won’t be killed if a woman rejects us, but our limbic system doesn’t seem to realize that yet. Instead the average guy becomes filled with fear and tension and panic… perhaps something most women don’t really appreciate.

Our dating confidence and success comes from handling our inner battles – fear and panic vs logic and rational thought.

It’s easy for me to say “ignore your feelings” and yet they blur our vision and clamp our mouths shut. And hopefully you can become aware of the inner tricks being played out by your nervous system – your feelings can’t be trusted.

BELIEFS BUILT ON LIES

Unfortunately even logic can seem to fail us sometimes.

Most often how we FEEL confuses how we THINK and because of our feelings we make terrible assumptions and great leaps in logic.

How often have you assumed the worst about someone when you were really upset?

Or made terrible dating decisions because you felt overwhelmed with insecurities or nervousness?

What are the most common mistakes we make?

We make assumptions and we take things personally.

When we make assumptions we skip logic for the emotional pay off, like feelings of righteousness or indignation while “taking things personally” is exactly the same.

If someone dumps you do you keep perspective? Do you realize that they have their own needs and desires and that they have every right to find someone they prefer to connect with?

Or do you take the emotional road of self-pity, self-blame, and depression?

Do you realize that it’s okay to feel crappy and disappointed without it MEANING something?

It’s okay to feel like crap when someone breaks up with you. It’s NOT okay to then believe the world is ending, that you’re a fat pig nobody will ever love, and that the opposite sex is to blame for all the horrors of the world.

Here’s the lie: feeling like crap doesn’t mean you ARE crap.

Your feelings will lie to you.

The key is to accept feeling crappy without giving it deeper meaning. The key is to accept your feelings so that they can run their course.

Think of your emotions like the weather. It just happens and that’s life. There’s not always some deeper reason for it and it’s futile to try to fight it.

And when it comes to dating sometimes other people need different things than we do, that’s just how it is.

IT TAKES GUTS

Don’t get me wrong… our guts have wisdom.

If logic comes from the head, and feelings come from the heart then they meet in the middle in our guts.

It’s the combination of our heads and our hearts that creates inner wisdom. The more mature you are the more you rely upon your head AND your heart.

But why is it so easy to ignore our heads when our feelings tell us something different?

I think it’s because we’re trapped in bodies of flesh and blood. Our old lizard and mammalian brain reacts to the world far faster than our new logical brain.

Our emotions win the race because our unconscious brain is doing things before our conscious brain is even aware of it. Our emotions wrap us in a cozy blanket of oxytocin and adrenalin (oxytocin is a powerful hormone that acts as a neurotransmitter in the brain that plays a huge role in pair bonding, dating, parenting, etc.)

The lesson here is to have the strength to wait out the highs and lows of emotional upset before making decisions.

COMMON EXAMPLES

Drinking and driving. When you’re drunk you can’t rely upon logical decisions because your logical brain is battling other issues (like walking and talking and seeing).

Dieting. If I chose to eat based on how I FEEL I’d never escape the wall of pizzas and ice-cream containers I’d be drowning in. Instead I have to ignore how I feel and take the powerful choice to eat what I KNOW is good for me.

Dating. What do you do when you’ve already sent them three text messages and they haven’t replied to any of them? You might feel that a cute and funny follow-up text message might smooth over those last three creepy messages, but you’d be wrong.

Stalking. Should you spend a few more hours clicking through your ex’s facebook friends list hoping to find more photos that prove they were cheating on you? Or should you be in that hot yoga class sweating off that stress while your superior poses attracts forth ten new dating opportunities? Only your guts know for sure…

He hasn’t called in a few hours? Ignore your feelings and don’t call him.

She seems to be leaning away? Ignore your feelings and lean away too.

He keeps flirting and you don’t know if he likes you? Ignore your feelings, he does.

She smiled at you from across the room? Ignore your feelings and go say “hi.”

HAVE SOME PERSPECTIVE

What’s the cost of ignoring logic for an emotional rush?

Well, the more you ignore her signs of disinterest the more humiliating it becomes. By chasing her you keep digging yourself into an emotional hole that destroys your self-respect and confidence.

Or perhaps you stay with that guy because your heart whispers, “it’s way too painful to tell mom that he’s been cheating on me, and besides he’s really sorry now… plus if I forgive him he’s going to finally see how amazing I am as a girlfriend and we’ll live together in total love and respect forever!”

Have you ever looked back after a hard rejection and realized that you were ignoring all the red flags because you were blinded by your emotions?

Nearly 100 percent of us will never win the lottery. And chasing someone who’s not into us is EXACTLY like playing the lottery except the cost of playing leaves us lonely, self absorbed, immature, and addicted to the emotional highs and lows.

When in doubt ignore your feelings.

S.M.A.R.T. Steps

Try these steps when you’re in a tough spot and you need to make a good romantic decision:

(S)top and relax

You shouldn’t drive when you’re drunk and you shouldn’t make decisions when you’re high on emotions. So take a breath and relax. Put all thinking on the back burner until you’ve escaped any emotional highs or lows.

(M)e first

Give yourself permission to make decisions that are beneficial for YOU. It’s easy to martyr yourself in order to do what’s best for someone else you love… instead realize that you can’t help others effectively unless you’ve empowered yourself to be healthy and safe.

So make sure you’re the first priority on your decision list.

(A)sk someone smarter than you

This is why having an older wiser mentor is so great in romantic decision making – because they have the perspective you might not have. When someone else has no emotional ties to your decision-making they can help give you the best non-emotionally based advice.

(R)eview all options

It’s easy to think about the options that are most exhilarating (like calling that girl again, or texting that guy one more time) but let’s not forget ALL of the available options. When you take the time to review all the options it helps you to remember those boring options (like NOT calling that girl one more time, and NOT texting that guy a million more times.)

There really are GOOD options that seem boring but which bring about the BEST outcomes.

(T)ake Responsibility

It’s okay to make bad decisions, if you’re willing to learn from them. The worst thing you can do is blame someone or something else for your choices.

Take responsibility for your actions because that’s how you learn, grow and mature. When you blame others you’re only hurting yourself.

Here are my final thoughts: your feelings don’t have to dictate your choices and your good choices will always improve how we feel!

~ Robby

of 2013

Cant believe this year is almost over. What a year. This has been a year where my heart has been tested, when my dad fell sick and all walls came crumbling down. Yet my family was pulled out of that storm with no scars. Our maker loves us…we’re sure of that.

This has been the year where I have learnt so much on life issues. Learning to say no and yes. Learning to be honest even when it hurts. Learning to reach the skies past the doubts in others eyes. There was a time I used to think nothing could stop me. I need to get to that strong place again.

One thing am sure of, everything will be alright in the end.

Happy holidays and remember to spend this time with those close to heart.

Truly, Jem.

of awakening

In church a few years ago, the pastor preached about losing people. He asked us to note down a bunch of friends, and to check that list a few years down the line. This was a sermon about destructive lifestyles..what he didn’t mention is that the list still goes down as some people you consider friends stop being so.

I see growing up like a process of awakening. I must have been really “heavy” in my early 20s. Carrying all that weight of pretence, insecurity, loneliness, fake friends, bad relationships, fear of missing out….Eventually with time, you shed it off. If you accept to grow up. If you start to let your past lessons build you into this strong person. Your painful past kinda becomes your armor. There is something amazing about discovering and learning yourself. Nobody can make you feel different about you when you are OK with you. And that confidence, that drive to be something great, comes with “weight loss.” You start to be more honest about your feelings, knowing you risk people walking out the door. You start to tame your anger, knowing your limits. You apologise more and start to see things in other people’s eyes. You learn. And in the process become amazingly attractive. You know what you want in life, no apologies. You don’t wait by the phone for the cute guy you met to call, you have a life and things to do. And when he calls you wait for the excitement of a new relationship to fade off, you know the real stuff happens after that.  You realise the person you want to be and the people you want surrounding you, helping you be that person. You finally have the courage to tell your boss what you want. You start to plan checking off some of the things on your bucket list and the “weight” sheds off like free flowing water.

Friendships end/die for different reasons. And sometimes its just a time thing. You no longer want the same things. Which is fine. Sometimes we just get tired of pretending and smiling. I remember once feeling like screaming! I was smiling and laughing yet in my head WTF had a permanent residence. I was a fake. I couldn’t pull it off all my life. And sometimes friendships don’t die, but we go different ways. We are no longer bound by a crowd but we are strong individually. Pursuing different things. And its OK. Later we meet and chat about our experiences, say our goodbyes and move on only to meet years later.

Am I the strongest I have ever been?

Yes.

Does it get better?

I believe so. I am lighter, running faster and with a strong support system .

Weighed yourself recently?

of Honesty

I’ve been thinking about the concept of honesty for a while now. As kids, we are completely honest with our feelings. Be it fear, anxiety or hunger…you will always know with a child. As we grow we learn to pretend, to keep quiet, to nod when disagreeing, we welcome fear into our minds and hearts. And we stop being honest. And somehow this way of living goes too far…from lying to others to lying to ourselves.

We’ve all done it. Ran or lied while avoiding to  hurt someone’s feelings. Avoiding to speak the truth which will surely initiate an awkward conversation. So when do we start lying to ourselves? Why are you in that relationship that you don’t even want to be in? Why are you smiling at him and crying yourself to sleep? Why be in a relationships that drown you? We allow it, yet deep down, we are unhappy. Ask yourself, are you being completely honest with yourself before making a step in a certain direction. Before committing to something or someone. Is this really what you want or are you afraid of loneliness? Are you afraid of rejection? Are you afraid that he/she will eventually see your insecurities? Are you afraid of being seen…deep down as you are. What is that demon that’s holding you back from opening up to yourself? What are you so afraid of?

Human beings are the worst and best at pretending. That ‘safe place ‘ will only lasts as long. The made-up-happy you will eventually have to deal with the real you. Then the “changes” start to appear and you start to hear how people claim others changed. How they were nicer before they got married. …enough about that.

Let your feelings and emotions help you. There is a reason why you feel that way.Embrace that fear and go right through it. Embrace that teenage feeling of a quick crush. Embrace wanting something and fight for it even if nobody gets you.  Whichever the case, you won’t learn from someone else’s experience. Open yourself up to yourself. Dig deep down to your insecurities, your fears. Fight them and understand them. Then you will be stronger than before. If you’re not honest to yourself, how can you expect to be with others? Accept yourself first…There is something amazing about knowing yourself inside out. What you want, how you want it, how you deal with situations, when you’re wrong, when you’re right….when you’re honest with yourself.

Truly, Jem.

of words in movies

I sometimes watch movies like a literature class. I like to listen to words, pick out good soundtracks and most of all, astounding words of inspiration or poetry. I just watched a movie called Stuck in Love. There isn’t much to write about this move. I like the references to writing and poetry.

Among many things happening in the movie, a boy is asked by his dad to experience life so he can have something to write about. He had on his journal words that were also narrated when the movie was starting, “I remember that it hurt, looking at her hurt.” I almost paused the movie and let those words sink in. If you do not have some curiosity of how that feels like then am not with you on this. I wondered how someone would get to that place where good feelings hurt…. . He fancied this girl across him to the extent it hurt him. Words…..amazing.

The movie continues and he has to recite a poem in the class:

Poem: SCHOOL

“In the sea of desks there is talk of bags and games and long pipes that lead dreams with a strike of a match
and there is a loudness to whispers i hear
whispers shouldn’t be that loud should they?
there is a girl over there who everyone knows and men without ears will stand by the door for a price
in long hallways there are angry mobs of dwarfs and rats and one single angel…”

Overall, I would give the move a 5/10.  It covers some really important issues in life: forgiveness, patience, living, faith and vulnerability. Also good for those who want to read more and never get to like me 🙂

Kofi Awoonor-RIP

I would like to dedicate today’s post to Kofi Awoonor. I had the luxury to hear him speak on Friday in Nairobi. He provoked us to tell the african story. To understand our roots. He teased about death and mentioned how he was at peace with it. Sadly he was killed in the terrorist attack on Saturday at Westgate mall, Nairobi. 

My heart goes out to his family. You are a true inspiration. Rest in peace .

“Within the airwaves we carry
our hutted entrails; and we pray;
shrieks abandoned by lonely road-sides
as the gunmen’s boots tramp.
I lift up the chalice of hyssop and tears
to touch the lips of the thirsty
sky-wailing in a million spires
of hate and death; we pray
bearing the single hope to shine
burnishing in the destiny of my race
that glinting sword of salvation.” Kofi Awoonor

writer’s block

I am not inspired, I don’t know why. So I will write about that. Today I went for a writer’s forum and learnt a few things. I was around a man who published his first book in the 1960’s. Thats a mighty long time ago. He reminded me why writing is so important. Why it’s crucial to share your story. I believe the reader picks the author so for you reading this now, thank you.

Hoping that inspiration will find me. ……but in the meantime join me in mediation. In that place where we allow our thoughts to rule. That place where we breathe and settle. Think about your week, think about the blessing of life. Be thankful and do something for someone else. I just did, I wasn’t up for it but it didn’t kill me helping someone I am not fond of.  Then get out there and continue living.

Truly, Jem.

of Gen Y

The generation of fast movers. A friend of mine had on his whatsapp status as “move fast, break things.” There is some sense to it. My mind has been thinking a lot about my generation of late 20 something and early 30 something. I am surrounded by ambitious young people. People who go to work, go to school, have a business on the side and still make time for investment clubs and such like things. They are full of energy. Millionaires in the 20s. They want more, they realize a day only has 24 hours but there are ready to work 90% of the time. Sleep is overrated in their universe.They are paying the price….but what is it for? I am in that place where a good vacation involves those close to my heart, sight seeing, hot weather, dancing, learning something new, doing something new….not how my vacations used to be. I used to go home more tired and hangovered wondering if I was on vacation or on a drinking marathon. Gen Y is also among all the hard work, drinking more, smoking more, sleeping less and picking up other high risk vices. Gen Y understands Wale’s song “BAD” like they wrote it. Stable relationships are not a priority. Interestingly there is a lot of insecurity in their eyes, almost like they know something is off and they will have to deal with it eventually.  Or maybe someone will finally see through all the hype…but of course this isn’t all of them…

So now what? Well I ask, what is all the hard work for? For money for now? Today?

Don’t you want to be 50? don’t you want grand kids? Don’t you want an empire? Rome wasn’t built in one day. Success might be what we measure it as, but I think success is in the quality of life. Not the intensity of it.You don’t want to spend most of your time in hospitals later when you could be enjoying your hard earned money on a saint something island in the Caribbean.

I salute my 20 something friends going into business. I salute those with a bigger vision, those inspiring others and influencing those around them and leaving a trail of future business leaders.  I salute my 30 something millionaires working hard and employing others and still showing the kind of humility that doesn’t come easy. I applaud those thinking of chasing their dreams. Go for it.

Here’s an article on Forbes on the Paradoxes of Gen y.

http://www.forbes.com/sites/lyndagratton/2013/06/06/the-three-paradoxes-of-generation-y/

This is Your Life

I Love it! For the single, passionate and curvy ones

This is Your Life.

via This is Your Life.