Are you cared for?

Are you cared for??

I can’t stop thinking about those words. Such terrible words to ask someone who might not know the answer. Words that will stir a hurricane in a calm heart. Words that will stab. You could be having a normal day; everything was the way it should be. Nothing exciting happening, that’s the usual for you. Then you hear those words…

I remember how I felt when I heard them. More like yeah! Then ?????????  Am not talking about family kind of caring, am talking about the kind of caring that’s by choice and is steered by the heart. Wait there is more to this story. The guy asking the lady in question was married. Sounds irrelevant doesn’t it? Why would a married man be asking a young single girl if she is cared for? He cannot possibly give her what she needs. Or can he?

I’ve heard this analogy before.

“I will care for you. I will protect you and surround you with love. I might not be there all the time, but I will make up for it. I will share with you me and what is mine. I will come when you need me. I am not the single guy who cares in bits. I know what I want. I am sure. Let me spoil you. Take you to places you have never been. Give me one chance, just one. I am not asking, am offering.”

Isn’t it funny how most things that bite after are coated with so much sweetness? I am the kind of person who thinks too ahead. Probably over thinks situations. There are many solutions for right now. A brief high, a weekend lover, therapy from buying a new shoe. Then what? Does it last? Can you keep it up?  What happens after the high? I have a friend who says he’s not looking for a weekend lover, but a lifetime lover.

When a married man asks a single girl if she’s cared for it hurts. Hurts because she is hanging onto her values. Hurts because she knows she deserves better and he’s not an option. So she’s waited for a while and she’s loosing some faith. Its all very clear in her head…some day. And no matter how sweet the offer is, no matter how good it might be, she knows it might also destroy her. So she says no and walks away from a man offering her almost everything.

Ever not accepted a gift that you thought was too much? Well it’s probably because almost everything has a price. Not everything, almost.  And even the sweetest offer will be paid for. So would you rather pay with waiting, or your heart? Choice is yours.

The Adjustment Bureau

“Most people live life on the path we set for them. Too afraid to explore any other. But once in a while people like you come along and knock down all the obstacles we put in your way. People who realize free will is a gift you’ll never know how to use until you fight for it. I think that’s The Chairman’s real plan. And maybe, one day, we won’t write the plan. You will.”

Quote of the week

I’ve decided to start a quote of the week seeing that I read or hear somethings that are definitely worth sharing. And who knows, you could be needing it.

So for this week, the quote comes from the movie –The Lucky One.

“You know, the smallest thing can change a life. In the blink of an eye, something happens by chance – and when you least expect it – since we’re on a course that you could have never planned, into a future you never imagined. Where will it take you? That’s the journey of our lives: our search for the light. But sometimes, finding the light means you must past through the deepest darkness.”

of Seduction

She wasn’t very excited about this date. What were the chances it would be anything different from all the others? Probably nothing, but she took time to pick a dress still. They hadn’t met officially, only talked over the phone. He was intriguing. Something that sparks curiosity in her dynamic mind. He seemed sure about himself, sounded sure about. He knew what he wanted and how. She wondered if he knew what he wanted from her because she didn’t. She just wanted to sit across him over dinner and talk.

When she arrived he was there. Composed, sure… something about him made him look in control of the situation. He had made the time to be early, he was ready. She wondered if she should shake his hand, or hug him, or just kiss him on the cheek….probably too much. She stretched her hand but he ignored it and rose up to hug her. She stood still, embarrassed.

“Hi” he said looking straight at her with a brief smile on his face. “Hi” she responded sitting across the table from him. “We finally meet” he says. She smiles back, continuing the small talk. There was a tense aura of something around him. She couldn’t explain it. Hopefully by the end of the night she would.

They had wine, and they ate. They talked about life, business, and work and barely about love. He wasn’t investing there. She wasn’t selling.  Listening to this man was like listening to a good song. He spoke proper English, he paused for emphasis and he never took his eyes away from hers. She blushed a few times when this was met with a corner mischievous smile from his lips. Then she understood the strange aura…her legs were tightly squeezed together most of the time. Her palms were hot, her face flushed. This man was able to seduce her so delicately yet sturdily that it impressed her. After the second glass of wine the careful talk changed to flirting.  This time he looked past her eyes, to her lips, her cleavage, her hands. She felt his gaze like a touch on her skin. She squeezed her legs tighter. This was fun and scary. Nobody had ever had this effect on her before. She grew bolder, sipping her wine while smiling back at him. Playing his game, but she lost every time.  The moment he bit his lower lip she excused herself to use the bathrooms. Pausing by the sink, she washed her hands with the cool water then pressed her cooled hands onto her cheeks. She told herself to get through this date. That it’s crazy to think about jumping that man across the table. That it’s weak to be seduced like this. She smiled still. This is fun…

Back to the table.  She held onto the wine glass, number 3. More talk, more flirting. “You know that is one lucky wine glass” he said with a cheeky smile on his face. She hadn’t realized how long she’s been circling her finger on the top of the glass with very impulsive thoughts. Legs squeezed.  “It’s getting late” she panicked.

They walked to the basement parking. It was inevitable. Their lips were bound to confirm what they had both been wondering the whole night.  And when they met, at that moment before she left, she couldn’t squeeze her legs.  His body consumed her. The scent of his cologne, the touch of his soft hands on her neck and the breath between the kiss. She understood that strange aura.  He had her at “Hi”.

Stopped time

She wears her lipstick and rubs her lips together for a lasting touch. Starring at the mirror her mind wanders around the possibilities of the night. The risk she is about to take might cost her a friendship or not. Her hands grip onto the dressing table, face down in the thought of loss of a grand friendship. She sighs. This is not going to be easy.

Her phone buzzes and she reaches to see the sms just in. “Just got here, the music is great. See you in a bit.” Kobe never acted as nervous as she was. It’s almost like he knew what would happen and how he would deal with it. She didn’t  It was all playing with unmarked cards. She sprays on her signature perfume and adds a touch of it on her neck. She smiles remembering how he asked her if she had a sensitive neck, and slowly pushes the thought away as her stomach starts to shrivel.
Jean picks her car keys and dashes out of the house. “Relax and have fun!” she speaks aloud to herself and drives off to meet Kobe.

Walking into the club she sees Kobe and he wakes up to greet her. Opening his arms he hugs her and kisses her on the cheek. “Finally! 3 years later. For a moment there I thought you decided to diss me” he says with a smile on his face. She automatically relaxes and smiles back, “you know I would never do that to you.” He pulls a chair out for her next to him and she sits facing the counter but her shoulders to him.  They stare at each other for a moment not speaking a word. It’s about time they met up and it was great to see him.

They talked about everything like the years before they met had to be explored. Every exciting moving moment in each other’s lives were a topic. No page were left unturned, well expect one; the awkward discussion about his crush which they both knew and hardly discussed. Jean had to remind herself not to touch his shoulder as she laughed nor loose herself in his eyes as they sparkled when he talked about his ambitions.

Within no time she was facing him and counting down the shots of tequila they had taken. “I can’t believe we’ve sat here talking and not even danced the whole night” Jean said. Kobe looked around the club to see half of the crowd gone and the rest looking like they were about to leave. “Well it’s about time we did because it looks like they will be closing soon” he said reaching out his hand as he stood up “do I get the honor ” Jean received his hand with hers and rose to stand next to him.He surprised her by not walking away to the dance floor but started to dance right there next to their seats. She followed suit. The DJ played a continuous CD as they prepared the club for closure but not rushing them to leave. When she had her back to him she sometimes closed her eyes just briefly enough to feel his warmth and when she faced him she held her breath just briefly enough to keep his scent.  A few too many songs later they sat down to have one more shot of tequila and ordered for a litre of water. The alcohol was getting to their brains but they were having too much fun to care. Their waiter interestingly walked up to them and said her goodbyes calling Kobe by his name. Are they leaving us here?” Jean asked surprised. “Well yeah, didn’t I tell you I bought the place?” Kobe answered her with a smirk on his face. “No way! You’re kidding me!” Jean jumped smacking him on the shoulder, “and you tell me this now?” he grabbed her hand laughing at her surprise but not letting her hand go. He instead acted like he wasn’t holding her hand and she did the same. “Aren’t you’re supposed to teach me that dance you learnt when you were away?” Kobe asked. Jean smiled at him almost serious, and then pulled him to her.

He could dance to anything. And she understood. All she asked was he dances to the beat and with her. He followed only for a moment, and then he lead. First a bit shy then he grew bold and put his arm around her waist and pulled her to him. She lay her head on his shoulder and lost her gravity. The song ended but she didn’t notice until there was cold air between them and Kobe was starring straight at her. Not speaking a word.His eyes were half tired, looked like he had given up a war that was going on inside him. His touch was strong, like he didn’t want to let her go. But his lips were bold, approaching her with keen waiting for her to grumble and he would stop.  She didn’t. He moved his lips to her cheek and placed a warm kiss there, then moved to her neck and placed another. Jean caught her breath. Moving back to her cheek Jean knew he was heading for her lips. If there was ever a key that opened a lock so easily, it was that kiss. Everything she had worked so hard to fight the previous years rushed to her head. Her fingers reached to the back of his neck assuring him.

Time stopped and for a moment it was all theirs. He kissed her with a need and a knowing that it could be their last. She kissed him back with a sadness of thinking the same. They paused, both breathing fast and locking hands. “I have to go” Jean whispered. “I know” Kobe said. They both stepped back to their seats reaching out to their phones which had text messages from their spouses saying that they got home. Starring at each other one more time, Jean walked up to Kobe and kissed him. This time it felt final. “You will always be a part of me” She whispered to him. Picking her bag she walks off touching her lips with her fingers and then wiping off the tear down her cheek.

The crazies…..

How is it that someone can get you upset and happy so easily even without them knowing they have? Am i inlove? or did i just get comfortable with this feeling, with us? did i get lost in the idea of us even if it never came to pass? am i foolishly holding onto you even though you havent made any effort to bind me to you? or am i just crazy?

 I would imagine crazy would feel kinda like this. I am fully aware of those lustful feelings, the ones that fade or are easily distracted. This is different. This is me standing next to you, all the time. This is us in my imagination, in one place but still ending up taking different routes.Crazy doesnt seem like a far fetched diagnosis. Thoughts of loss of me scare me.

The body might seem as one, but mind and heart are two different entities. My mind might be fighting for my sanity, but my heart favours you. You’re winning in a battle you did not choose. You’re gaining a gift you do not even want.

I am crazy!