of awakening

In church a few years ago, the pastor preached about losing people. He asked us to note down a bunch of friends, and to check that list a few years down the line. This was a sermon about destructive lifestyles..what he didn’t mention is that the list still goes down as some people you consider friends stop being so.

I see growing up like a process of awakening. I must have been really “heavy” in my early 20s. Carrying all that weight of pretence, insecurity, loneliness, fake friends, bad relationships, fear of missing out….Eventually with time, you shed it off. If you accept to grow up. If you start to let your past lessons build you into this strong person. Your painful past kinda becomes your armor. There is something amazing about discovering and learning yourself. Nobody can make you feel different about you when you are OK with you. And that confidence, that drive to be something great, comes with “weight loss.” You start to be more honest about your feelings, knowing you risk people walking out the door. You start to tame your anger, knowing your limits. You apologise more and start to see things in other people’s eyes. You learn. And in the process become amazingly attractive. You know what you want in life, no apologies. You don’t wait by the phone for the cute guy you met to call, you have a life and things to do. And when he calls you wait for the excitement of a new relationship to fade off, you know the real stuff happens after that.  You realise the person you want to be and the people you want surrounding you, helping you be that person. You finally have the courage to tell your boss what you want. You start to plan checking off some of the things on your bucket list and the “weight” sheds off like free flowing water.

Friendships end/die for different reasons. And sometimes its just a time thing. You no longer want the same things. Which is fine. Sometimes we just get tired of pretending and smiling. I remember once feeling like screaming! I was smiling and laughing yet in my head WTF had a permanent residence. I was a fake. I couldn’t pull it off all my life. And sometimes friendships don’t die, but we go different ways. We are no longer bound by a crowd but we are strong individually. Pursuing different things. And its OK. Later we meet and chat about our experiences, say our goodbyes and move on only to meet years later.

Am I the strongest I have ever been?

Yes.

Does it get better?

I believe so. I am lighter, running faster and with a strong support system .

Weighed yourself recently?

of Honesty

I’ve been thinking about the concept of honesty for a while now. As kids, we are completely honest with our feelings. Be it fear, anxiety or hunger…you will always know with a child. As we grow we learn to pretend, to keep quiet, to nod when disagreeing, we welcome fear into our minds and hearts. And we stop being honest. And somehow this way of living goes too far…from lying to others to lying to ourselves.

We’ve all done it. Ran or lied while avoiding to  hurt someone’s feelings. Avoiding to speak the truth which will surely initiate an awkward conversation. So when do we start lying to ourselves? Why are you in that relationship that you don’t even want to be in? Why are you smiling at him and crying yourself to sleep? Why be in a relationships that drown you? We allow it, yet deep down, we are unhappy. Ask yourself, are you being completely honest with yourself before making a step in a certain direction. Before committing to something or someone. Is this really what you want or are you afraid of loneliness? Are you afraid of rejection? Are you afraid that he/she will eventually see your insecurities? Are you afraid of being seen…deep down as you are. What is that demon that’s holding you back from opening up to yourself? What are you so afraid of?

Human beings are the worst and best at pretending. That ‘safe place ‘ will only lasts as long. The made-up-happy you will eventually have to deal with the real you. Then the “changes” start to appear and you start to hear how people claim others changed. How they were nicer before they got married. …enough about that.

Let your feelings and emotions help you. There is a reason why you feel that way.Embrace that fear and go right through it. Embrace that teenage feeling of a quick crush. Embrace wanting something and fight for it even if nobody gets you.  Whichever the case, you won’t learn from someone else’s experience. Open yourself up to yourself. Dig deep down to your insecurities, your fears. Fight them and understand them. Then you will be stronger than before. If you’re not honest to yourself, how can you expect to be with others? Accept yourself first…There is something amazing about knowing yourself inside out. What you want, how you want it, how you deal with situations, when you’re wrong, when you’re right….when you’re honest with yourself.

Truly, Jem.